A little pessimism from a pessimist...

So the end is nigh (yes, I just said nigh) and it puts me in a very weird mood. Almost surreal... and bittersweet. It feels like there is no end, and yet I have to pack and go through 4 semesters of saved papers and homework. I'm going through the motions of yet again packing up my life and yet in the moment I feel like I'm doing it for no particular purpose at all. And then there are days when I wake up sad and spend 70% of my waking hours with tears in my eyes or streaming down my face. When I can't even think about, let alone look at, certain people because I end up using an entire roll of toilet paper just trying to make the waterworks stop. And then there are days, like today, when it all feels like a total reality. I'm packing up just like I did in January of 1999 to move to the United States, or in July of 2004 to move to Mars Hill. I'm sorting through homework and books just like I did in May 2008 when I left Mars Hill and moved to California. Funny, moving from California to Costa Rica never produced that 'I'm moving again and leaving people behind' feeling in me. And now, once again, I'm moving, and this time it really hurts, because I know this could be the end. This could be the last time I get to pack up and move on a whim. This is the last time I get to study anything (other than a doctorate... or another masters). This is when I have to grow up, fast, get a job, make a life, and begin the monotonous 8-5, 8-5, 8-5.

We spend our whole lives in school waiting for the day we finally get out and can be our own people, and then we find ourselves wasting away behind a computer at a desk that isn't ours, in an office that we didn't pay for, under a boss who we inevitably despise. And that to us is living?

I guess you can say that I woke up cynical today. Or maybe that just comes from a pessimistic personality. I should be excited to begin a new chapter in my life: no more homework; I can actually CHARGE for my translations now. And yet, the only thing I can think about, is having to leave behind people who have grown into family, knowing that in all probablility, in a year's time we will no longer have that relationship, and also leaving behind the one guy who was able to make an optimist out of a pessimist. The worst part of all is knowing that the time apart is going to be indefinite. And honestly, how many can say they know of a long distance relationship that worked out in the end? Seriuosly, if you do I'd like to hear stories! haha