Home is what the heart grows accustomed to...

This afternoon I asked myself the question, How the hell do I leave? My flight "home" to California is in exactly 3 months from today. 3 months. Thats just 91 days; 5400 hours. That's just a season, like Spring or Summer; a quarter of a year; only 3 new moons. How do I give this up?

I've tasted independence, adulthood. I've grown a love for this country that I have never experienced anywhere before. And even if I complain daily about the black soot clouds rising from the back of cars that should have been yanked off the road decades ago, there is a charm to Costa Rica that is hard to beat. Where else will I find the warm friendliness that surrounds me in any tico home I may enter? Where else will I become part of a new family, accepted equally by grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, nephrews?

How do I pack up the life I have build in the past two years?

But what makes this life any different? Why is this one so hard to give up?

I remember crying the first time I left Costa Rica in 2007. I cried so hard as the plane took off that the woman beside me asked if I was having a panic attack. I cried so hard my eyes were still red as I walked off the plane at LAX. And that was only after a stay of 5 months. I promised I would come back, and I did. Can I promise the same thing again?

Sitting here now, thinking about the day I'll get on the plane with an 'indefinite goodbye' drying on my lips, my eyes well up. This is my home. This is where my heart is.

A country with the longest lasting tradition of peace and that for centuries hasn't had or needed a military. A country of unprecedented scenic beauty in its mountains and beaches, volcanos and waterfalls. A country with potholes so big an entire car can vanish from sight; where a 4 km drive by car can take up to 15 minutes by bus. A country that after 50 years of planning finally builds a decent highway from its capital city to the closest beach, but then opens only two lanes, when road traffic has more than doubled since the year they began planning. A country where an avocado can cost less than 20 cents and where mangos rot on the ground because people can't eat them fast enough. A country whose local football league plays worse than a pack of monkeys, but whose fans bleed purple, or red and yellow, or red and black. A country where instead of having a Starbucks on every street corner, there is a church... even if its Catholic. A country that wholeheartedly believes in God.

This is my home. And yet part of me is scared I might not even miss it.

Ode to the first 8 months of the year...

Wow, hello mid-September. Where the hell did you come from? Gone is August and the start of my fourth (and final) semester. Gone is month 1 of the last 5 months I will ever (possibly) spend at a university. Gone is month 2 of my new (and somewhat exciting) job of being an English teacher. Gone are the 7 looooooong months spent waiting for the new NFL season to begin. Gone is the first week of the 2010 season. Gone, again, is September 11, thankfully with no repeat of that terrible day that we all no doubt remember like it was yesterday. And gone, as well, is the 12th, 13th, and 14th (although, I really don't know of anything exciting that has happened previously on those days hehe).

September 15. In Costa Rica and I believe all of Central and some of South America today is Independence Day. As in the US, every store, house, car, post box, light post, etc. has the Costa Rican flag displayed from it. Families are getting together for lunch; everyone has the day off. There are parades during the day (there was even one at 5:30 this morning I believe. I did not see it, I was just awoken by the heavy beating of drums and wind instruments), fireworks at night, food as far as the eye can see. I suppose every country celebrates their independence in a similar manner. And today is gorgeous. The sky is a blue I haven't seen since the rainy season began 6 months ago, the clouds are white and puffy and not gray and menacing (although I don't know how long that will last for). Sitting in my room, I hear my neighbour's music. Everything just seems different today. Uplifing. The world, or at least Costa Rica, is happy.

In other news, I have a date for the final presentation and defense of my thesis: November 11. Just less than 2 months away now. Have a set date makes the time between now and then seem waaaaay less though. When I think about what I still have to do: present the first final draft to my tutor, make the corrections he suggests, turn in a second draft, correct the translation yet again, turn in a final draft... and then, I present and have two weeks to again make corrections before turning in the final final draft. All of that before the end of November. And just in case you think there can't be that many corrections: my translation is 85 pages and my analysis close to 100. Of course maybe I did everything right the first time around... ha, wishful thinking.

Thankfully, the other 3 classes I have are very non-demanding this semester, so I can focus more of my time on making sure my thesis is 100%. And of course it gives me the extra time to work without going out of my mind. I'm enjoying teaching, all except 1 course that is. Adolecents aren't the greatest age, and with my utter lack of patience, we don't get along all that well. I think we've come to a mutual agreement: you talk your junk in English and I won't hassle you; lets just get through the next hour and a half and we'll all be happier for it. All of my classes are a different levels of English, which is somewhat a challenge. Its hard to go from one class with which I can speak perfect English and a normal pace, to having to explain everything in very short sentences and even Spanish, to once again being able to speak semi-normal English with very little or next to nothing of Spanish and then the next day having pure pure beginning where everything little topic is a challenge to get across, for example the verb To Be (I am, you are, he is etc.) and then to complicate matters even more, making QUESTIONS with the verb to be! (am I, are you, is he?). Just when they finally understand to use 'are' with 'you' they get the question where ___ your pencil? and suddently it isn't 'are' but 'is'. Ask me to explain THAT difference! Its fun though, as I have to start thinking about all the rules for English grammar that I have taken for granted since I was, well, born. Its fun though, and I really don't think I could have picked a better part time job while I was here...

MTV: the bane of my existance

Remember when MTV actually COULD call itself "Music TV"? I remember back in 1999 right after moving to the US and finally getting cable, Mom picked us up from school and was telling us all about the different channels and I distinctly remember her saying: "and there's this one channel that only plays music all day." Those were the days.

Soon MTV got the Reality TV bug and from there it was only down hill. Here are a list of some of the worst Reality TV shows known to date on the MTV channel.

1. Laguna Beach. Yes, I agree it was entertaining and for a while I tuned in every week to watch the next episode. But seriuosly, could high schoolers really ACT real when they were followed around my cameras every day? Besides the fakeness of the show, I honestly think Laguna Beach had something to do with the demise of the American youth. Everyone wanted to act like the popular group out there in Orange County.

2. Next. Honestly, how are there so many retarded people in America? Per capita the US definitely has their fair share of idiots, and all of them somehow manage to find their way onto the Next show. And what is with the lines at the end of each show? I mean really??? Who writes this junk? The cockiness is over-exaggerated, and the fakeness has been taken to a new level. My suggestion: the script should be burned, and the participants shot for even considering to go along with the stupidity. Anything for their 10 minutes of fame.

3. ALL the finding-love-on-MTV shows. A Shot at Love. I Love Money. The list goes on. Finding love on MTV is basically searching through America's rejects.

4. South Park. On Wednesday I was shocked to hear two boys in my English class mimicking the South Park characters. They were 9 and 11. There is no hope for the future of this nation when 9 and 11 year olds look up to South Park, repeat (word for word) the episodes and try to act just as the annoying little characters do.

5. Parental Control. I admit its a clever idea: I'm sure many parents would like the opportunity to choose who there children date, and then they ruined it with the scripting. Number one qualification to work as a script writer on MTV: Bachelor's degree in the worst come back lines known to man. "Uh, whatever" went out about a gazillion years ago, people! The teens think they are so bloodly smart but all I hear when I watch the show is "blah blah blah I am not a man, blah blah blah." And honestly, if any kid talks to me like they talk to the adults on that show, I wouldn't simply have a shocked look on my face... they'd have a shockinly red handprint on their left cheek. Just watching the show makes me want to throw something at the TV. Won't someome please tell these imbecils that they are 1. not funny and 2. in no way clever with their comebacks.

6. The Real World. All I have to say is that they have redefined the word 'real'. Its sad how there really are no wholesome young people left in America.

7. Whatever retarded Jessica Simpson show is on now. As if we didn't get enough of her lack-of-cerebral-matter on Newlyweds and the other 12 shows she has tried (and failed) at. Her lack of respect for foreign countries and their cultures in her new program is sickening. Not everyone is cut out to be an entertainer. She should have been told that no one likes her years ago.

8. My Super Sweet 16. This show really only deserves two words: Spoiled. Brats.

The list can go on, of course. Every 30 minute block on the channel is filled by a program that deserves to be put on this list. Maybe we should just do away with the entire channel and replace it with a wholesome educational channel that will teach America (and all the other countries poisened by MTV) that being cool does NOT mean trying out for a MTV Reality TV show.

Hello, Gorgeous...

The sun is here! The sun is here! A full 8 days after my dreadfully late arrival to Costa Rica the sun has finally shone (hehe, how clever) its beautiful face. After 8 long days of bitterness and restlessness I was finally able see blue sky, put on a summer dress, and spend a few hours soaking up the sun in Central Park. I can without a doubt say that every soul I know here is just as thrilled as I am for the sun to have come out, just for a different reason of course (I've been told I'm not the easiest person to be around when I'm in a foul mood hehe). My mood has lifted! My gloomy mood brought on by day after day of dark rain-soaked clouds has blown away with those same clouds and I'm smiling, and even hummed to myself as I sat in line at the bank waiting to pay the rent.

Dreading the thought in the morning of opening the curtains and seeing, once again, the rain, I slept in until 9. Less conscious daylight hours meant less hours of gloomyness. When I checked my phone however, I had received a message at 7 am: ...salga, esta haciendo un sol increible! (Go outside, the sun is incredible!) My first thought was "why the hell would I be up at 7 am, let alone ready to go outside?" but then I thought, "maybe the sun is still there!?!" I opened the front door and low and behold, the spiral stairs leading down to the first floor were bathed in yellow light and the potted plants outside my door had cast shaddows across the veranda. I immediately grabbed my cup of joe and sat, pijamas and all, on the steps, soaking up the glorious warmth.

It wasn't enough for me though and I quickly showered, cleaned the bathroom, swept the floors, and ran my errands at the bank, and then walked over to Central Park, found an empty bench and read in the sun for the next hour and a half. Glorious, glorious sun!

Along with the first day in over two weeks that I have seen the sun, yesterday I was given a bouquet of seven gorgeous yellow sunflowers, my favourite flower. There is just something about them that makes me smile. Between the two, how in the world can I be having a bad day?

Now the clouds have returned, something I had expected since the moment I first saw the sun today (there is no getting around the tropical rainy season climate), but I'm happy. My spirits have lifted and I'm ready to tackle another day of teaching Intro English.

Sunless days, sleepless nights...

The clock has just ticket 2 a.m. and I am as wide awake as if it were 2 p.m. This is night two of my insomnia. Yesterday I spent it watching pointless episodes of any comedy I could find on t.v. between 1 and 3 a.m. Today I've spent it on Facebook and once that got boring since there are no status updates at this normal hour of sleeping, I have moved on. To here. Maybe extracting my thoughts on this here blog, will clear my mind for what I really need it at this moment... blissful sleep...

After a very, nay, too short vacation to California I am back in Costa Rica, ready, yet not eager, to begin semester 4 of 4. My 10 day trip to CA consisted in not much else than laying around reading. The sun, regardless of what they say about 'sunny CA' was not out for about 7 of my 10 day stay and, just my luck, it hasn't been out in Costa Rica either since my arrival on Sunday. The gloomy days have definitely not brightened my spirits. Speaking of arriving... the good ol' USA made my life miserable again. I've been trying to figure out what I've done in my life for Karma to have kicked me, again, while I'm down, but I haven't quite come up with anything good. My trip to immigration this time was extended beyond the usual checkpoint as Ms. Butch didn't believe I was the lovely face smiling back at her from my Green Card. Maybe I shouldn't blame her... it was 11 p.m. when I pulled up to her drive through window. After playing 20 questions she led me away to magic door number two where I had to sit and wait while Antonio Banderas and Jackie Chan talked about their big guns. After another fun game of "Avoid telling the whole truth to the immigration agents" I was given a pass to rejoin the milling masses eagerly awaiting to see if the airline managed to screw up the baggage. I'm not bitter. The best part of my trip however, was by far the uber-cute flight attendant who, seeing me staring longinly at the conveyer belt pleading for my bag to come around, fed me the line "You have gorgeous eyes, don't ever cover them up." There is no sarcasm in that last line. I flew with TACA and I have to say, unless their tickets end up way more expensive than Priceline.com I'm picking them for all my Latin America to US travel. Direct from CR to CA, zero baggage fees, great flight attendants, extra legroom, free headphones and alcoholic beverages, and meals! whaaaaa??? ... all in economy class.

The second part of my trip was not without its 'fun' shall we say. My flight left LAX at 1:35 a.m., a time of the morning when I thought the airport would be empty. Guess again. An hour after joining the line, I managed to get to the check-in counter only to find out they had over booked my flight! I was offered a $600 voucher to fly the next day and, if it weren't the World Cup final I would be missing, I would have taken it. Instead I waited an extra 10 minutes for the computer to spit me out a seat number. Armed with my seat number and dangerously low on sleep, I make my way down the plane aisle, plop in my seat, and close my eyes. Ah sleep... wrong. TACA shows a movie and the t.v. screen just happened to be right above the seat in front of me. All movie long I had flashes of light penetrating my eyelids. When we were all finally woken up at 6 a.m. for breakfast I was about ready to use foul language on the very next person who spoke to me. But luckily... no joke here... it was another good looking flight attendant offering me a much needed cup of joe. Cafe Britt, Costa Rica's best coffee. Yum. We were an hour and a half outside of Costa Rica making a 'quick' pitstop in Guatemala to let people off and pick up others. A scheduled 4o minute stop though turned into a fun packed 3 hours of staring out the airport window at the menacing black cloulds and, no joke here, the only two airplanes that landed in the entire 3 hours I was there. Our plane had managed to catch itself a faulty landing gear somewhere thousands of miles above the earth and we had to wait while the genius mechanic stood looking at the plane and scratching his... uhh... head. My 9:35 a.m. arrival to Costa Rica turned out to be a 1 p.m. arrival when I no longer had a ride home, or made it back in time to catch the plans I had made for the World Cup. Nor did I even WANT to watch the damn game. I got home, threw myself onto the bed, and fell asleep to the sound of pouring rain.

I cried that day. I didn't want to be here. Maybe the exhaustion was part of it, but somehow I had managed to distance myself from everyone down here in the 10 days I was home, and when I arrived it just didn't FEEL right. I have fought with my best friend every day for the past week, and now lying here I can't help but wonder if being on bad terms with him isn't affecting my sleep.

I began teaching on Monday. I work evenings teaching English now to earn some extra cash and hopefully save up for a down payment on a car when I get back to CA. I was a little nervous my first day but after a few minutes of the first class I got into it. It helped, of course, that that class already had a pretty high level of English. At the end of the day, though, three classes down, I enjoyed it, which was a surprise for me. My bosses have graciously kept me away from children which I can only be thankful for. As the semester progresses, I'll reevaluate my skills as a teacher. A couple of weeks ago I was so worried I wouldn't even be able to explain the difference between a verb and a noun, but maybe I won't be that terribly bad. It helps, of course, that I speak Spanish.

I have two weeks until my classes at the University begin up again. So in the mean time I'm just taking it easy, sleeping until 10 (mainly because I'm up until 3), working every now and then on my thesis, and praying every day that today will be the day that the sun comes out and lights up my life.

A love/hate relationship...

Yesterday, semester three of my four semester Masters program came to an end. I turned in the first final draft of my thesis, took the most pointless final exam I have ever had to endure, and when I put my pen away and stood up to leave, a wave of... disappointment washed over me. 'But why disappointment?' you may ask yourself. The answer isn't clear to me either. I have had one of the most stressful semesters to date. It had been long and boring, and to some degree, I felt it was even a useless semester. But finishing it means a year and a half has gone by and I only have six months left. How do I ever pack my life up (once again) and move away from the people I have grown to love with all my heart. And yet, the answer is simple. Just do it. I did it before, after graduation at Mars Hill, I did it when I moved down here in January of 2009, and I can will do it again because that is what I do. That is what is expected of me. I will leave with a part less of me though, a part that will forever stay in Costa Rica.

Of course, the hardest semester of all still lies ahead of me, and the scariest thought of them all: presenting and defending my thesis. I in no way regret deciding to come down here to do my Masters, even though this presentation will be in Spanish. I am grateful for my two years here and for the opportunity I have had to perfect my grasp of the language more than I would have done in a program in the U.S., and believe it or not, I have come to love Spanish even more than I did to begin with. That being said, it's all sunshine and summertime. Below and the five things I dislike most about language and the five things I love about it:

5 things I HATE about Español:

5. The me gusta and me encanta constructions. Sure, saying me gusta el cafecito comes as naturally as saying 'I like coffee' in English, but when it comes to saying, for example, 'you don't like me' my mind still automatically wants to say no me gustas which actually would be 'I don't like you' quite the opposite of my actual intention.

4. The difference between este/esta and ese/esa. This equates to the same difference of 'this/that' in English, which as a native speakers comes naturally, but try getting it right right off the bat in a foreign language is impossible. It is further complicated by the fact that it is gender specific and a neutral eso/esto doesn't always work.

3. The difference in the pronunciation of 'rr' and 'r'. This really applies more to the Costa Rican way of pronouncing 'rr' rather than the general pronunciation in which one rolls the tongue for a second to add extra emphasis to the double r. I can do that perfectly fine, but in Costa Rica the sound is more of a vibration than an actual roll and for a native English speaker with no similar sound in our language, sometimes I could out sounding just that: a gringa speaking Spanish. I hate it.

2. Gender specific words. Why can't all objects be neutral like in English? It makes learning the name of the object 100x easier. Words that end in 'o' or 'a' are not the problem, its the words that end in 'a' but are actually masculine, or words that end in consonants like 'l' and 'n' which, unless you already know the gender, can't really be guessed. And then there is the distinction between the same word which has both masculine and feminine forms which mean two completely different things, or when adjectives, pronouns, determinants etc., all have to agree with the gender of the noun. It makes life for an English speaker very difficult.

1. The subjunctive tense. The only example we have of this in English is the 'if I were' construction, however, in Spanish it is used for a million different reasons that to a Spanish as a second language student are impossible to get right all the time. Luckily though, getting it wrong doesn't change the meaning of a sentence or impede its understanding, it just simply isn't right.

All the above are cancelled out though by my love for the language, especially the following

5 things I LOVE about Español:

5. Pronunciation = spelling. And visa versa. Looking at an unfamiliar Spanish word one can pronounce it correctly by simple pronouncing each letter individually. An 'i' is always pronounced the same as is 'a', 'e', 'o', and 'u'. Much easier than in English.

4. Noun constructions. If you ever don't know the name of an object thing about its function and bam! 9 times out of 10 you can guess its name. Matamoscas, for example, literally means 'fly killer' or juntabolas means 'ball gatherer'.

3. Diminuitives. English is really lacking in this fabulous way to easily show the difference between a rather large object (add -ote at the end of a noun) or a really small object (add -ito). Not only does it give an idea of the size but it always has affective meaning. It shows the speakers feelings to an object. Diminuitives is just a very caring way to describe an object.

2. The difference between te quiero and te amo. Both mean 'I love you' just with different intensity. Amo a my parents, or the guy I will one day be in love with, but quiero a my best friend or the guy I like, etc.

1. Spanish speaking Latino men. The dark hair, tanned skin, coffee coloured eyes... Anyone that knows me knows my obsession for what I have just described. Being here has not changed that in the least, rather one could say it has solidified that obsession. Sure I find the occasional blue-eyed, blonde-haired European attractive, but I'd take a dark-featured Latino over him any day.

It's true love...

Today I rediscovered the love I used to have for Costa Rica. The love that, little by little, I had been losing. My life here had become the same monotonous routine, day in and day out. My days spent indoors working on endless amounts of translation homework and thesis writing, an afternoon of rain, clear but cold nights, ESPN right before turning the light out only to wake up in 8 hours to do it all over again. I was always surrounded by the same people, always in the same places and last night I felt suffocated. The feeling started at dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant by the university. There were too many tables crammed into one dinning room and the room was packed. One one side I had a piller, behind a party of two, to my left a party of 8 and in front of me the bar. It was stuffy and hot, the only ceiling-fan being situated tables away from mine. I couldn't wait to leave, to be able to breath again, but when I got outside I realized it wasn't just the restaurant, it was my life.

I went to bed last night with a million thoughts rolling around in my head. And when I woke up at 6 am to the sound of a text message I couldn't even remember if I had dreamt anything. Two hours later I woke up again and turned on ESPN. My day was about to be as monotonous as the rest when a friend said: vaya afuera, es increible hoy! Go outside, its gorgeous today. I turned off my computer, grabbed the January edition of Fitness magazine, and headed to Central Park to enjoy the sun. I bought an iced cappuccino and a chicken empanada, and sat on a bench for the next hour and a half soaking up the amazing Central American midday sun.

Central park was packed with families: children running around after the pidgeons, parent's holding up their toddlers to see into the fountain, clowns trying to sell bubbles and blow-up toys, an indigenous flute musician playing along to Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." The sky was the magnificent blue colour of Costa Rica's still-undamaged-by- tourists Rio Celeste and the puffy white clouds were scarce. From where I sat, I had a view of the ancient Catholic church hidden partially by the tall palm trees blowing gently in the breeze. A grandmother, her daughter, and her grandson sat next to me on the bench, speaking the beautiful Spanish that I love, Tico Spanish. Across were two teenagers in-love, locked in embrace, him kissing her on the forehead. A gorgeous black labrador jumped into the fountain to cool himself off. A toddler cycled by on a green plastic tricycle, followed by his young father in faded jeans, a airy white button-up shirt, and his dark shaggy hair bouncing as he jogged to keep up. And as I watched a beautiful little girl in a pink dress and white sandles, with thick, long, dark hair chase the bubbles her mom blew I realized, this is the Costa Rica I love. Just five blocks from my apartment I found my escape and I fell back in love with Costa Rica.

I came back to the apartment, slightly burnt, but content. The sun is shining in my world again and Costa Rica is truly the love of my life.